300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

I can't say the word "rise" without saying like the Emperor. Riiiiiiissse...

300: Rise of an Empire isn't so much a sequel or prequel as it is a side quest. It begins with a little bit of backstory, but much of Rise runs in parallel to the events of 300. They even throw in a few stock shots from 300, in case you needed a reminder of what Gerard Butler looks like or that Michael Fassbender was in it. However, I do find it a little annoying when a film shows you a flashback to something you just saw like 30 minutes ago. I'm not talking about the flashbacks to 300 either. These were flashbacks from this movie.

During the first Persian invasion of Greece, Themistocles (Sullivan Stapleton) fought the Persian forces back, killing King Darius, father of Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro). Before dying, Darius told Xerxes that only the gods can defeat the Greeks. After mourning his death, Xerxes is sent on a quest by their naval commander, Artemisia (Eva Green). He wanders the desert until finding some pool of dark power water that transforms him from a normal looking guy that wears a little too much eyeliner, to the cross-dressing, god king we all know and love. Xerxes returns to conquer Greece once and for all.

Knowing the Persians are returning, Themistocles attempts to unify the Greeks. He heads to Sparta where Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) basically tells him that they are all a bunch of pussies, and let the Spartans do the heavy lifting. Queen Gorgo was much angrier in Rise versus 300. To hear her speak, you'd think she was one of the villains and not one of the good guys. Maybe Headey was channeling a little bit of Cersei Lannister. Then again, it could have just been the dialog, which was pretty terrible, but that shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Anyway, so while Leonidas is off to combat Xerxes' army at Thermopylae, Themistocles commands the Greek navy to fight back Artemisia and the Persian navy.

If you like fake blood spraying all over the place, 300: Rise of an Empire has buckets and buckets of it. Computer generated blood has always looked bad, and there are more than few parts in Rise where is looks even worse than normal. Granted Rise is going more for style points than realism, so despite it looking really bad in parts, it didn't bother me all that much. I suppose I'm getting used to it a bit, but I still prefer "real" fake blood over the CG version.

I was more disappointed with the overall quality of effects. It has the same style and aesthetic of 300, but has a cheaper overall look. The colors are so washed out in parts that it was really difficult to tell what's going on. Ships crash into each other leaving you to guess what side they are on. A few of the more complex action scenes had a cartoony, video game look.

Where Rise shines is during the actual swordplay. Themistocles and his fellow soldiers cut through waves of bad guys with a brutal and efficient style. A few times the typical, quick-cut, shaky cam action was a little too much, but it was kept to a minimum. The hand-to-hand action was much easier to follow.

I don't recall seeing Sullivan Stapleton in anything before, but he had a commanding presence. Normally, I'd be concerned when an action film doesn't star a more recognizable actor. He did a good job, and while he didn't quite replicate the physicality from 300, he held his own in that regard. It's interesting to note that the shape he's in seems to change from scene to scene, illustrating how he was likely working out as it was being made. It also shows an example of how films are not shot in order. Rise won't necessarily inspire people to sign up for Crossfit or 300-style workout classes like they way 300 did, but I did leave the theater thinking I should hit the gym on the way home. Swing the sledgehammer against a large tire or something like that.

Most will remember Eva Green's as the best thing about Rise with her cold and vicious Artemisia. She plays it with an awareness of the type of movie this is, and seemed to revel in the role. Plus, she's extremely sexy. That might be me though, I tend to be really attracted to women playing violent, warrior-types.

300: Rise of an Empire has enough gory violence to satisfy your bloodthirst. It's largely nonsense, but still manages to be a lot of fun if you can watch it for the mindless entertainment it is. That's not always a bad thing though. If you're not already an existing fan of 300, then don't expect to get much out this, but fans shouldn't hesitate to catch a matinee.

2.5 (out of 5) Death Stars

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)

I knew in trouble when I walked into the theater and saw that not only was I just about the only guy there, I was the only person over the age of 30.  Applause and giddy laughter was heard as The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones began.  While I knew that this was based on a series of young adult novels, I was unaware of how apparently popular they are.  After sitting through City of Bones, I have to ask, "Who reads this crap?"  Seriously, please tell me the books are significantly better, because otherwise I don't get it.  Judging by the applause at the end, it's clear I'm not the intended audience for the film, but the fact that they couldn't judge the quality of what they just saw kind of made me die a little inside.

Clarissa "Clary" Fray (Lily Collins) goes out with her best friend, Simon (Robert Sheehan), to a club where she witnesses a murder, only to realize she's the only one that saw it happen.  She continues to draw a strange symbol and has visions of goth kids.  While not wholly original, I've always enjoyed the mythology of a world that exists within our own that only some have the ability to access or see.  There's a lot you can do with that.  After Clary's mother (Lena Headey) disappears, she learns that her mother was a "Shadowhunter" and that she must be, too.  Joined by another Shadowhunter, Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower), they attempt to find her mother and something called the Mortal Cup.

I was actually interested and invested at this point.  The problem with The Mortal Instruments is that it continues to borrow, or outright steal, from every sci-fi or fantasy franchise you can think of.  As if that wasn't enough, it layers countless love triangles that rival most soap operas.  Were left with something that's a hot mess of many different tropes and cliches, and has nothing original to offer.

Oh, and I did I mention the dialog is cringe worthy?  While there are a few funny lines, for every reasonably good one, there's ten horrible or awkward ones.  They throw in some modern pop culture references though, so at least it feels like they are still living in our world.  However, you'll see maddeningly inconsistent behavior from characters, even within the same scene.  Early on, Clary is mad at Simon for not answering the phone when her mother called, but the whole reason why she called Simon was because Clary didn't answer the phone when was called first.  Even the kids sitting next to me made a comment about that inconsistency.  Nobody involved in the production noticed this huge lapse in logic?  At one point Clary throws a knife at a werewolf just after it saved her, and it wasn't even the first time the werewolves intervened on their behalf.  Later, there's a simple misunderstanding where Jace goes from trying to act cool and dropping one liners to running away like a brat.  I have a hard time believing the guy is some kind of badass when he can't keep his emotions in check and gets upset at the slightest thing.  Was this written by a completely irrational person?

At least City of Bones looks nice.  There are some interesting character and set designs, with some decent special effects.  In particular, there's a really cool effect with this demonic dog that would have fit right in with something like The Thing or Hellrasier, so I applaud the creativity there.  However, making decent looking werewolves still seems to be an issue.  They must have known this, as most of the time the werewolves are always just on the verge of turning, so they just have claws and cool eye contacts.  Also, when not werewolves, they all look like they are part of a biker gang, like in True Blood.  I guess that's better than a bunch of shirtless guys wearing denim shorts though.  Speaking of attire, everyone is dressed like they work at Hot Topic.  When Clary has to change clothes, even she remarks at how uncomfortable it is, and then later makes a point to remove her knee-high boots during a crucial situation.

The action is City of Bones features more poorly filmed action scenes, with all the quick cuts and close shots that we all hate.  I'm not gonna come down on them too hard for this, as this has been plaguing most movies these days.  I still don't understand why it's used though.  Doesn't anyone care that you can't tell what's going on during climactic fight scenes?  Why even bother putting it in the film if you can't enjoy watching it?  In a weird turn of events there was a scene towards the end where Clary uses some rune to freeze a bunch of demons in place.  However, instead of using this opportunity to kill the demons, they awkwardly sneak past them for no reason at all.  What happens next?  The demons recover and kill a bunch of them.  What in the hell were they thinking?

Speaking of, there's a whole plot thread dedicated to saving Simon after he was kidnapped by vampires.  The issue I had with this was why was Simon even with them in the first place?  He had no powers or knowledge that made him an asset on their quest.  Why would a group of experienced Shadowhunters allow him to even come along, let alone into a den of creatures where Simon would be a liability?  He's just in the way.  After this, they hint he was bitten by a vampire, but then never bring it up again.  Clary sees the bite marks and doesn't even mention it to the other Shadowhunters as a concern.  Oh, but they're setting that up for a sequel, fans will say.  Awww...it's cute you think there's going to be a sequel.

Then there's all the bad melodrama with the love triangles.  It's probably best to read this next part in the voice of a 14-year-old girl.  Simon is Clary's best friend.  He's clearly in love with her, but she just considers him a friend.  Jace and Clary are into each other, which means Simon hates Jace.  Another Shadowhunter, Alec (Kevin Zegers), is gay for Jace, but for some reason isn't allowed to admit it.  Alec hates Clary because Jace likes her.  Jace isn't gay though, so Alec has to know the love isn't mutual and therefore his hate of Clary is totally irrational.  Clary totally calls Alec out on it later, too.  Then, there's this gay warlock named Magnus (Godrey Gao) who's into Alec, so it's not like he doesn't have options. (14-year-old voice: off) Here's the kicker - SPOILER ALERT - it's revealed that Clary and Jace are brother and sister!  This is well after they've shared a kiss and their attraction is mutual.  What the hell?  Oh, and the big bad guy they're worried about reveals himself to be Clary and Jace's father.  Now we're ripping off Star Wars?  Who thought this was a good idea?  The bad guy's name is Valentine (Jonathan Rhys Meyers).  Yes, Valentine, a name that strikes fear into the hearts of all.  Why not just call him Darth Valentine?

This is all pretty much the second act of the film, and when we finally get back to the main plot, you've almost forgotten what they're after or why.  It's never even really clear what this Mortal Cup is needed for.  Valentine wants Clary to drink from it to test it first, but never does.  There's a reference to a master race, so I guess there's supposed to be some ethnic cleansing theme or something.  The plot is really an afterthought to all the melodrama.

There also no real explanation of anyone's powers.  They draw runes on themselves to give different abilities, and these just look like bad tattoos.  No further details are given, so it ends up being a lazy way to allow characters to have whatever power is needed at a particular moment.  At the end of the movie, Clary uses one to clean her apartment.  I'll admit that's pretty convenient.  Why didn't they just make up a rune to find Clary's mom and the Mortal Cup all in one shot?  Drawing the runes appears to be a painful process, so was it supposed to be a weird reference to 'cutting'.  It didn't help that one of the times we see Jace applying one was immediately after he ran off in one of his petulant huffs.

I'll say this though, at least The Mortal Instruments is still better than Twilight.  Clary is a more realistic and relatable character than Bella.  She isn't completely defined by two boys liking her for no reason and has a purpose and goal.  I'm probably a little biased here in that I think Lily Collins is a much better actor and has much more charisma than Kristen Stewart.  I also liked they cast Lena Headey as her mom.  They actually look like they could be related.

Overall, I didn't even think City of Bones was poorly acted.  I felt that the cast was trying, but what are actors supposed to do when the dialog and story is this bad?  It bugs me when movies aimed at younger audiences are written like this.  They deserve and appreciate intelligent dialog, too.  Not everything written for teens has be filled with angst and melodrama.  They even shoehorn a really awful CW-like soundtrack into it.  Then, when you consider how obviously derivative and predictable it all is, I can't see why anyone finds it satisfying to watch.  It's so predictable that without even reading a single page of any of the books, let me guess some stuff that happen in later installments.  Feel free to confirm or correct me:

• It's eventually revealed that Jace and Clary aren't actually brother and sister.
• Even though Clary is the least experienced, we find that she's way more powerful than everyone else.
• Simon eventually does turn into a vampire.  He probably saves the day at some point because of it.
• Simon also ends up with Isabelle (Jemima West).  This is good for Simon though, cause Isabelle is hot and was kind of a badass.
• Magnus ends up with the Alec.  That reminds of another thing. After Alec is injured in a fight, Magnus shows up out of nowhere to heal him.  I don't recall anyone calling him.  Why did he just show up? Was he so into Alec that he was keeping tabs on him?
• After Alec ends up with Magnus, Alec and Clary become friends.

If you're a fan of the book, or a teen that loves Twilight, then nothing I say is going to stop you from watching or enjoying The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones.  For the rest of the world, it's one of the cheesiest, poorly written, melodramatic and derivative pieces of trash I've seen in a long time.  The only thing I can say for it is that you might get some enjoyment out of it for all the unintentional comedy.  I can't wait for the Rifftrax guys to sink their teeth into this.

1.5 (out of 5) Death Stars

The Purge (2013)

In the year 2022, unemployment is down to 1%, crime is at an all time low, and the economy is booming again.  There's a catch for all this prosperity though: once a year, from 7 PM to 7 AM, all crime is legal.   "The Purge" allows for members of society to get all their pent up anger, frustration, or whatever out.  You don't have to participate though, and many just bunker up in large homes with elaborate security systems.  One interesting point of the film is how the poor, the homeless, etc. don't have the means to protect themselves and are usually the most likely victims of "The Purge".  I guess it's easy to eliminate unemployment and homelessness if the wealthier can just kill them off once a year, eh?

It's a shaky premise, but I can accept it as long as they commit to it.  The problem is that too many things are referenced that aren't explained, and these ideas aren't explored enough.  Like they constantly make reference to the New Founding Fathers, but never elaborate on this.  And this is set is just 2022?  Society has crumbled such a short period of time to allow for a different form of government or something?  This isn't the first Purge either.  It's clear that his has been going on for at least a few years.  The points they make about the poor are barely glossed over, and are thrown by the wayside once the story decides it wants to be a home-invasion thriller.  I know I'm overthinking it a bit, but these are the things that I can't help but ponder while watching, especially when the characters are so flat and uninteresting.  Sometimes a movie's flaws aren't apparent until you reflect on it afterwards.  Other times, a movie slaps you in the face with them. The Purge made me feel like I spent an evening at a bar delivering bad pickup lines.

Oh yes, there will be spoilers, and I apologize if this post reads as a little ranty.  This movie just bugged the hell out of me.

James Sandin (Ethan Hawke) is an wealthy security system salesman that's clearly benefit from this new society with all the need for ultra-home security.  He has a loving wife (Lena Headey), and two kids - older daughter Zoey (Adelaide Kane), and younger son Charlie (Max Burkholder) - that right off the bat you know are going to cause problems as the movie goes on.

We barely meet the family before "The Purge" begins, and shortly after that a bloody stranger (Edwin Hodge) pleading for help is let in by his son.  I had a hard time getting my head around why the son would have the ability and passcode to disable the security and let this guy in.  You'd think a security system owned by the very guy that sells them would have some built in safeguards or something, right?  He should have the top of the line model, too.

Shortly after letting the bloody stranger in, a masked group of weirdos shows up and asks James to give up the stranger.  If they give him up, they'll leave the Sandins alone.  This lynch mob has reinforcements on the way, and assures James they'll be able to get into the house.  The leader of this group (Rhys Wakefield) looks like a combination of Ralph Fiennes, John Malkovich and Crispin Glover, but somehow creepier looking.  The first thing the mob does though after giving this ultimatum is cut the power to the house.  Um, hey idiots, did you consider that the motorized door barricades might require power to operate?  Also, the stranger is now hiding, so without lights, he's proving difficult to find, as the house is quite large.  This is made more frustrating by the fact that James never communicates to the mob's leader that it might be easier to find the guy if they could use the lights.  Also, the idiot son that let the stranger in is continuing to help him hide, and seems to have zero guilt about the danger he's put in family in.

Time runs out and the mob is able to get into the house.  This also bugged me because they were able to simultaneously pull every heavy metal door off the house.  How did they even attach the chains to all the metal doors?  Did they all have convenient hooks on the outside?  Anyway, despite not knowing anything about the home, they run around making all kinds of noise without any care in the world.  Aren't they concerned about charging into a home where the occupants are likely armed (and they were), don't know how many they are up against, and don't know anything about the layout of the house?  Why the Sandins weren't hiding in strategic points in the house waiting for them, I don't understand either.  I also don't get how this security system wasn't designed with any defenses or ability to shoot at trespassers while they're still outside.  The Sandin family should have been able to take out half of these guys before they even got in.

Oh, I almost forgot.  Just as they let the bloody stranger in, we see that Zoey's much older boyfriend (Tony Oller) was hiding inside the house.  He tells Zoey he wants to take advantage of the lockdown to confront James and convince him he loves his daughter.  Only when he goes to do this, he immediately pulls out a gun and attempts to shoot James, 'cause you know, the best way to impress your girlfriend is to kill her dad, right?  The dumb boyfriend gets shot, and for some reason his daughter runs off with him as if on his side or protecting him.  She's upset when he dies.  Huh?  Your boyfriend just tried to kill your dad.  Do you even understand what is going on?

Ethan Hawke does get to kick ass a little during one scene, so that part was cool.  The movie takes a lot of predictable turns otherwise.  The Purge is guilty of one pet peeve of mine where when a bad guy is killed and they don't take his weapon or ammo.  I can't stand that!  The bloody stranger is also seen wearing dog tags, so you can assume he was in the military.  He likely has some weapons training, and may be able to help you defend the house, but that never even comes up.  However, the most irritating thing about the film is that there are three distinct times (which I won't spoil) at the end the film where they could have done something really cool that would have at least let me leave on a high note and somewhat satisfied, but none were taken.  It just ends and everything goes back to normal.  Whatever...

Written and directed by James DeMonaco, The Purge is a complete misfire.  This is something that would have worked much better if it was under an hour and you didn't have as much time to pick it apart as it happened.  The setup is an attempt at social commentary, but it's not developed.  For example, they show that despite living in a affluent, gated community, the Sandin's neighbors appear to be deeply resentful of their success and how they have more than they do.  Well, maybe you guys should have gotten into the home security business then.  It's not like Sandin invented "The Purge" as a scheme to get rich.  He saw an opportunity to make money and took it.  He doesn't even own the company he works for.  He's just an employee.  It's not like he's doing anything illegal.  He has too much so we don't like him!  Jealousy is an ugly color, bank-farter.

Then, I thought about the actual Purge and how it's supposed to create some catharsis, post-Purge, but are you really creating a better society when you're basically rewarding people that are harboring deep psychopathic urges or need to commit violent crimes?  Do you really think one night is going to get it completely out of their systems?  Don't you watch Dexter?  The Dark Passenger doesn't just go away.  I think it would have been interesting to show that after a few years, law enforcement started secretly killing anyone they saw participating in "The Purge", removing those with violent tendencies from society.

The Purge is a mess of a film, and I wish I could purge it from my memory.  The setup has a kernel of an interesting social commentary, but it's dropped as the film devolves into a lame home-invasion thriller, relying on cheap jump scares, and typical conventions where characters do incredibly stupid things.  Finally, it has a terribly unsatisfying ending.  I could see this being slightly more effective while watching at home, but it's such a stupid film that it's really not worth the watch.  If you must see it, save it for rental, but otherwise, there's no need to watch this.

1 (out of 5) Death Stars

Dredd 3D (2012) - Movie Review

Karl Urban is the law!

I guess today was a 'peace officer' themed day seeing Dredd and End of Watch back-to-back.  While vastly different movies, it's interesting that I managed to watch two movies where I rooted for the cops.

If you haven't seen Sylvester Stallone movie from 1995, don't bother.  That movie was such a disaster that I'm amazed anyone even bothered with making another.  Like many of you, I've grown tired of the constant reboots and remakes of older films, but one of the few exceptions where I think it can work is when the original film was flawed, and a reboot has a chance to do things right or taking a franchise in a different direction.  Dredd 3D is an example of a remake finally working.

Dredd transports us to a future where the world is largely a radioactive wasteland.  The remaining inhabitants of North America live in a mega-city simply called Mega-City One.  Many reside in huge skyscrapers that are essentially self-contained cites, having their own schools and commerce.  The peace is kept by the Hall of Justice and the Judges, who have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner.

There's a new drug hitting the streets called 'Slo-Mo', which has the effect of the user perceiving time at 1% of it's normal rate.  This allows for some of the best use of extreme slow motion that I've seen in a while.  It's interesting that just last week I watched Resident Evil: Retribution where I was annoyed with it's overuse of slow motion, but Dredd actually uses it creatively.  Dredd also manages to be a movie that effectively used 3D to enhance this effect.  The combo of the 3D and super slow motion provides us with some of the most vivid violence I've ever seen in a movie.  It was like watching an art film about brutal murder.

Judge Dredd (Karl Urban) is tasked with evaluating rookie Judge Anderson (Olivia Thrilby), who's failed her previous tests, but is a powerful psychic.  They respond to a crime scene in a skycraper known as Peach Trees, but things quickly escalate when they arrest a henchman, played by none other than "Avon Barksdale" (Wood Harris), of the drug lord that controls the building.  The drug lord, known as Ma-Ma (Lena Headey),  knows that he won't hold up under interrogation, so she locks the building down in the hope of killing the Judges.  The Judges have no choice but to fight their way to the top floor.

I know what you're thinking, this is essentially the same plot as The Raid: Redemption, and yes, they are very similar.  However, it worth noting that Dredd was in production and filming long before The Raid: Redemption, so I believe this is an unfair criticism of the movie.

Once the building is locked down, the action ramps up, and Dredd earns every bit of its R-rating with its insanely bloody violence and action.  This is where the slow motion and 3D really shine. You literally get to see bullets tearing though bodies.  Despite the brutality, it's also darkly funny in parts.  Between the humor and the violence, I was often reminded of Robocop.

Judge Dredd may be the law, but Karl Urban is the man.  Urban was a big fan of the character, so he actively campaigned to make sure that he never removes his helmet, something Dredd never did in the comics.  In a time when we see so many characters needlessly remove their masks or helmets, it's refreshing to see a movie where that doesn't happen, and an actor that cares more about the character than he does about getting his face on the screen.  Even with only seeing his chin, I though Urban was captivating and played Dredd effectively as an uncompromising force of nature for justice.

I really like Olivia Thirlby, but I initially thought she was an unusual choice to play a Judge.  I'm used to seeing her in smaller, independent films.  However, I thought she did a good job with a role and played off Urban well.  Her character's psychic ability was used in an interesting way and allowed her to be a contrast to Dredd.  Dredd sees things as black and white, where Anderson sees the shades of grey.

Lena Headey gave a nice, understated performance as Ma-Ma, and I appreciated she wasn't over-the-top.  He cold demeanor actually made her seem all that much more deadly and menacing.  Wood Harris was also fun to see as Ma-Ma's henchman, Kay.  I haven't seen him in much since The Wire, so I was just happy to see him again.

Director Pete Travis (Vantage Point) and writer Alex Garland (Sunshine, 28 Days Later...) did a great job of staying true to the source material.  I'm also impressed with what they were able to do with a fairly modest budget.  The movie looks great and you get immersed in this world. The movie never takes itself too seriously, and you shouldn't either.

While not breaking any new ground with the plot, Dredd 3D is an insane action thrill ride that should please both action fans and Judge Dredd fans.  It makes up for the disappointment of the original film, and it's finally an example of a remake done right.  I watched this film with a goofy grin on my face from beginning to end and I enjoyed the hell out of it.  It's also one of the few films I actually recommend seeing in 3D in the theater.

4 (out of 5) Death Stars