The Martian (2015)

Just to get this out of the way, I haven't read the book, so there will be no comparisons or anything like that. This is a movie review. I can barely read in the first place. On a related note, I talked to a couple after seeing The Martian that was all too happy to tell everyone within earshot that Andy Weir was his cousin. I had to fight every fiber of my being to respond, "Who's that?" Seriously though, The Martian is the kind of movie that makes you want to read the book.

The Martian doesn't waste any time. Mark Watney (Matt Damon) is stranded on Mars in the opening moments of the film. Since that's the whole premise of the film, might as well get it out of the way, right? No sense in building that up for 30 minutes when the trailer reveals this. Watney must figure out a way to make his supplies last and contact home. As said in the film, he sciences the shit out of it.

It made me happy to see a film where everyone is smart. Hell, the main character of the film is an astronaut-botanist. How geeky is that? Matt Damon might be the main character, but the hero of The Martian is Science. Anything that gets people interested in outer space and celebrates Science is already winning my book. Doesn't hurt when Neil deGrasse Tyson tweets that The Martian got "crucial science right." He did also say that it's still fantasy, but some of those comments seemed to in jest.

It's a testament to Matt Damon's acting and charisma that The Martian stays entertaining even when watching long stretches of just talking to himself, or doing repetitive tasks. Like many stranded films, it can be hard or tedious to watch a guy struggling to survive if you don't like the actor or can't root for the character.

The Martian is a good example of a great cast that isn't wasted. They exist in the Goldilocks zone where everyone's screentime and performances are just right. It's is also very funny with a lot of sharp dialog. I didn't realize Drew Goddard (The Cabin in the Woods) wrote the screenplay, so perhaps its humor shouldn't have surprised me as much. The script also does a good job of explaining everything just enough that it's not too complicated, so nobody will get lost. It's not bogged down with jargon or techno-babble.

I'm glad to see Ridley Scott knock one out of the park again. Feels like it's been a good decade since he really nailed a film, so it's nice to see him return to form. I was worried that he might have totally lost it

Funny, thrilling, and best of all, smart, The Martian hits on cylinders. This is one of the most entertaining films of the year, and you don't need to be a fan of the book to enjoy it. It's a must see!

5 (out of 5) Death Stars

The Apparition (2012) - Movie Review

I try to give every movie the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you can tell 15 minutes into a movie that you're watching something horrible.  The Apparition, is a special kind of horrible.  It's so incompetent that I cannot believe it exists.

The movie's prologue shows of a group of people in the 1970s doing some kind of paranormal experiment.  It consisted of them standing around a table and proving it can move if you can't see what their feet are doing. At the end they take a group picture, and everyone is all smiles, so you're left to wonder what the point of that was.  It doesn't setup anything ominous.

Then, we fast forward to present time and a group of college kids are trying to replicate the same pointless experiment even though the last one proved nothing. This time 'something' gets out though.

We now skip to a young couple, Kelly and Ben (Ashley Greene and Sebastian Stan), moving into a new home. You get to spend time watching them run errands to Costco and do chores around the house.  The dialog that these two have is so terrible that you question how they are even a couple.  The shots of the housing development are clearly trying to clue to you in to the fact that something is coming, you know like a 'poltergeist' or something. but the movie just won't get on it it.  It's scary to think how much time this movie wastes even though it's barely 80 minutes. There's maybe 5-10 minutes of actual story here.

The Apparition was written and directed by Todd Lincoln, and this was not a good feature film debut.  I can't imagine how this got pitched.  I think it might have been something like this:

Idea Guy:  "Okay, I have an idea for a movie.  It's called The Apparition."

Moron that Green-lit the Movie:  "What's it about?"

IG:  "It's about a young couple that gets haunted in their house by an apparition."

MTGTM:  "So, it's like Paranormal Activity.  People like those movies."

IG:  "Yeah, but towards the end, we'll have the girl from The Grudge show up randomly."

MTGTM:  "Even better!  What else happens?"

IG:  "Well the apparition does all kinds of mean stuff like open doors and move furniture when they aren't looking, mess up their closet, make loud sounds all throughout the house, and cause all kinds of black mold."

MTGTM:  "So this apparition is kind of a dick then.  What else happens?"

IG:  "That's pretty much all I can think of."

MTGTM:  "I think we're gonna pa..."

IG:  "Oh wait!  We can have Ashley Greene from Twilight spend half the movie walking around in next to nothing..."

MTGTM:  "She's hot!  I'm sold!"

IG:  "...but never actually get naked.  We can even have a gratuitous shower scene that reveals nothing."

MTGTM:  "Ah shit!  I already said 'sold', didn't I?"

IG:  "Yes, you did.  No takebacks!"

That pretty much sums up the whole movie.  There's nothing remotely scary about the film, and all it does is borrow ideas from other films.  Everyone acts illogically throughout.  For example, once they've been haunted for a day or two and terrified, instead of getting out of the house and getting a hotel, they decide that the best thing to do is pitch a small tent in the back yard.  Yes, I'm sure that will protect you.

Later, it becomes clear that Ben is part of the earlier experiments, and his former partner is desperately trying to warn him, but he refuses to acknowledge it.  As if ignoring everything will make it go away, even though you are clearly seeing that something's wrong.

When they do catch up with his former partner, Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton, I'm sorry), he proceeds to explain what is going on with a string of nonsense that just makes you roll your eyes at its ridiculousness.  The made up words he said in the Harry Potter films were more realistic.  Then, he has a plan to stop the apparition, when it's clear he never understood what he was dealing with in the first place.

The apparition itself is inconsistent.  Sometimes, it's merely harassing people, and other times it has the ability to instantly fuse matter.  If it's that powerful, then what's the point?  Just kill everyone.  Yet, at one point, it attempts to kill by smothering a person in a bed sheet.  Yes, death by bed sheet.

I feel bad for Ashley Greene.  I'm sure she's trying to get out from the shadow of the Twilight films, but movies like The Apparition are not going to help.  If anything, the only people that might be scared by this film are little kids that like Twilight and go see it because of Ashley Greene.  I'm sorry Ashley.  You're a gorgeous girl and I hope you get a chance to do something better next time.

It's one of those movies that turns unintentionally funny a third of the way through the film.  It says a lot when the largest laugh of the movie was when someone in the audience yawned.  However, "Your house killed my dog" has my vote for the funniest line of the year.

The Apparition is simply one of the worst films of the year.  It's one of the most boring, pointless and nonsensical films I've seen in a long time.  There is absolutely nothing redeeming about it on any level.  Just forget it exists.

0.5 (out of 5) Death Stars