Sunday, October 23, 2011

Paranormal Activity 3 - Movie Review

I'd like to apologize in advance for the vulgarity and rant that you're about to read.  This movie irritated me and I needed to vent.

Yay for free movies!  It's always good when I can see a movie for free.  Okay, enough on the positive.  Fuck this movie!  What a waste of time!

I've never been a big fan of the series. I thought the first was laughably bad. It's long stretches of watching people sleep, and then a door blows shut! Oooooh!  Scary!

The second wasn't any better.  It was still just a bunch of doors blowing shut, off screen noise, and pots falling down.  At least they tried to tie it into the first film.

So how was the third?  It's more of the same.  It's boring and pointless.  At just a one hour and 24 minute run time, you managed to bore me to tears and make me feel like I've been watching a movie for more than two hours.

I don't really even understand how it's related to the first two films.  Are you telling me it's the same two girls from the other films?  How would I know?  You've barely established any of them as characters.  I defy any of you, right now, to tell me the names of either of the two girls involved in this 'trilogy'.  Come on...I can's the third film  You should know who the characters are by now.

Based on the trailer, I actually liked the premise. Even for a prequel, I thought it might be an interesting twist.  However, the scene from the trailer, doesn't EVEN OCCUR IN THE MOVIE!  If you're going to make a prequel movie to explain why this is happening, but then remove that scene from the actual movie, then what's the fucking point?  Let me clarify, a similar scene does occur about halfway through, but done from a different angle than the trailer and with different people.  The trailer makes this look like the 'Bloody Mary' scene is the source or origin of whatever is happening to them.  However, whatever it is that's happening to these girls, they show that it's already happening well before that scene, so again, what's the point?

So the movie takes place in 1988.  You wouldn't know it though, based on the quality of the movie.  It looked like it was filmed in HD.  If you want me to buy into your 'found footage' premise, you could at least make it look like you filmed it with the equipment that was available at the time.  Hell, at one point you see the camera in the footage!  So you're telling me that you filmed being filmed?

I get that the Dad was some kind of videographer, but even for 1988 they seemed to have too much video and camera footage.  I think the makers of the film kept forgetting what year it was.  At one point they are looking over a box of VHS tapes and someone says, "I don't even think we have a VCR."'s 1988, pretty much everyone had a VCR at that time.  What else would you have had?  A DVD player?  Maybe they were early Betamax adopters or something.

The movie itself is full of cheap jump scares and that's just lame at this point.  The climax is the ineffectual father being afraid of his old mother-in-law and a bunch of old people slowly creeping up on him.  Fight, you bitch!  I'm sorry, but if you were afraid for your life and protecting your young daughters, you would have fought until the end, not ran away and hid in closet like a scared little kid. There's nothing compelling about that.

This was directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Shulman, and they should both be beaten senseless.  They are also responsible for directing Catfish, which they now dare to list as a documentary.  If you saw the advertisement for Catfish and then saw the movie, you'd understand why that's insulting.  These guys are scam artists as far as I'm concerned.

This is a terrible movie!  It's not scary and it's a complete waste of time.  It's scary only if you're afraid of invisible, imaginary things.  If that's what passes for scary, then I think you need to grow a pair.  What are you going to do when something actually threatening happens to you?  Skip this movie.  I don't even think it's worth a rental.

No comments:

Post a Comment