Friday, August 24, 2012
The Apparition (2012) - Movie Review
The movie's prologue shows of a group of people in the 1970s doing some kind of paranormal experiment. It consisted of them standing around a table and proving it can move if you can't see what their feet are doing. At the end they take a group picture, and everyone is all smiles, so you're left to wonder what the point of that was. It doesn't setup anything ominous.
Then, we fast forward to present time and a group of college kids are trying to replicate the same pointless experiment even though the last one proved nothing. This time 'something' gets out though.
We now skip to a young couple, Kelly and Ben (Ashley Greene and Sebastian Stan), moving into a new home. You get to spend time watching them run errands to Costco and do chores around the house. The dialog that these two have is so terrible that you question how they are even a couple. The shots of the housing development are clearly trying to clue to you in to the fact that something is coming, you know like a 'poltergeist' or something. but the movie just won't get on it it. It's scary to think how much time this movie wastes even though it's barely 80 minutes. There's maybe 5-10 minutes of actual story here.
The Apparition was written and directed by Todd Lincoln, and this was not a good feature film debut. I can't imagine how this got pitched. I think it might have been something like this:
Idea Guy: "Okay, I have an idea for a movie. It's called The Apparition."
Moron that Green-lit the Movie: "What's it about?"
IG: "It's about a young couple that gets haunted in their house by an apparition."
MTGTM: "So, it's like Paranormal Activity. People like those movies."
IG: "Yeah, but towards the end, we'll have the girl from The Grudge show up randomly."
MTGTM: "Even better! What else happens?"
IG: "Well the apparition does all kinds of mean stuff like open doors and move furniture when they aren't looking, mess up their closet, make loud sounds all throughout the house, and cause all kinds of black mold."
MTGTM: "So this apparition is kind of a dick then. What else happens?"
IG: "That's pretty much all I can think of."
MTGTM: "I think we're gonna pa..."
IG: "Oh wait! We can have Ashley Greene from Twilight spend half the movie walking around in next to nothing..."
MTGTM: "She's hot! I'm sold!"
IG: "...but never actually get naked. We can even have a gratuitous shower scene that reveals nothing."
MTGTM: "Ah shit! I already said 'sold', didn't I?"
IG: "Yes, you did. No takebacks!"
That pretty much sums up the whole movie. There's nothing remotely scary about the film, and all it does is borrow ideas from other films. Everyone acts illogically throughout. For example, once they've been haunted for a day or two and terrified, instead of getting out of the house and getting a hotel, they decide that the best thing to do is pitch a small tent in the back yard. Yes, I'm sure that will protect you.
Later, it becomes clear that Ben is part of the earlier experiments, and his former partner is desperately trying to warn him, but he refuses to acknowledge it. As if ignoring everything will make it go away, even though you are clearly seeing that something's wrong.
When they do catch up with his former partner, Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton, I'm sorry), he proceeds to explain what is going on with a string of nonsense that just makes you roll your eyes at its ridiculousness. The made up words he said in the Harry Potter films were more realistic. Then, he has a plan to stop the apparition, when it's clear he never understood what he was dealing with in the first place.
The apparition itself is inconsistent. Sometimes, it's merely harassing people, and other times it has the ability to instantly fuse matter. If it's that powerful, then what's the point? Just kill everyone. Yet, at one point, it attempts to kill by smothering a person in a bed sheet. Yes, death by bed sheet.
I feel bad for Ashley Greene. I'm sure she's trying to get out from the shadow of the Twilight films, but movies like The Apparition are not going to help. If anything, the only people that might be scared by this film are little kids that like Twilight and go see it because of Ashley Greene. I'm sorry Ashley. You're a gorgeous girl and I hope you get a chance to do something better next time.
It's one of those movies that turns unintentionally funny a third of the way through the film. It says a lot when the largest laugh of the movie was when someone in the audience yawned. However, "Your house killed my dog" has my vote for the funniest line of the year.
The Apparition is simply one of the worst films of the year. It's one of the most boring, pointless and nonsensical films I've seen in a long time. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about it on any level. Just forget it exists.
0.5 (out of 5) Death Stars